So Matt sent me 20 sex tips for men which he found on the internet and asked if I wanted to comment or add anything – Oh yeah – there’s loads I want to add so here goes. I’ll reply in red where appropriate.
1. Everyone is bisexual. Everyone has thought about it, fantasized about it, wondered if a gun were held to their head, could they do it? If they tell you otherwise, they’re a liar. My sexual preference is ‘often’. That’s the only box I’m ticking.
Hmmm – not sure how true this is as I know a few people who it would really creep out. Although I’ve only done the deed with men, I will be honest and say I have thought about doing it with women. But just because I think about it, doesn’t mean it will ever happen either. It is all down to personal choice. I can certainly go with the term “Often” though!
2. Dirty talk is not completely necessary. Statements of fact can be surprisingly effective e.g. “you’re so hot/hard/wet”. And by all means alert the church elders with a pre-climax warning “I’m going to cum, I’m going to cum, Oh Jesus I’m going to cum.” But sex is one of the only times in our excessively over-articulated lives that it is perfectly ok, indeed, preferable to shut your mouth and let your hands do the talking.
I love it when men get vocal in the bedroom. I need to know they are having a good time. Must admit that I am slightly on the shy side so I tend to not say much during sex. That and sometimes I am just lost in the moment and feeling too good to comment.
3. Don’t try to make up for the size of your dick by slapping me across the face with it. Would you find it a turn-on if I whipped you up-side the head with my saggy tit? Think about it. And furthermore if you grab the back of my hair whilst I’m sucking your cock, your chances of getting head again, EVER, will diminish by at least 98%. Check if face -fucking turns a girl on before you grab her ponytail and ram your cock down her throat so hard that you give her an involuntary tonsillectomy.
Lol is all I can say here. I don’t mind a little hair pulling but there is a right place, right time for everything….
4. What is this obsession with men removing all their pubes? Why the ever-loving-fuck do you think it looks better? Your balls are UGLAY. Hide them. Hairless genitals look odd (on men AND women). Don’t let society make you think that your short and curlies are dirty. If you don’t fancy dripping hot wax on to your sack and crack every few weeks, that is fine by me.
Now I love it when men tend to their garden’s. There is nothing worse than getting a mouth full of hair when down there. In fact this should be a condition of getting a blow job. I wax it all off too. Men just love it!
5. We can tell if you’re giving us oral purely as a cursory prelude to sex, a “do I have to do this?” reciprocation of the head we’ve just given you. We can tell if you aren’t enjoying it, and it will make us tense and less likely to enjoy the penetration that you are so keen to fast-forward to. A guy once asked if I “took a long time to orgasm?” as if the problem was with my vagina, rather than his shit technique. Get comfy down there, cos chances are you’re going to be in it for the long haul.
So agree here. Go down on me and enjoy it. If it is not your thing, then don’t do it. Don’t rush things either. It is not about how quick we cum so you can rush to the end. It is about enjoying each other to the fullest.
6. This is more of a general rule about how to treat your partner, based on trust and sensitivity. If we do/say/eat something stupid when we’re having sex/drunk/high/hormonal, we don’t need reminding of it the next morning. Saying really loudly on the bus “remember when you did a really loud fanny fart and then cried after you orgasm’ed” will make me hate you forever x infinity.
Yeah, think of the bedroom as Vegas – what’s said in the bedroom, stays in the bedroom! No more to be said there. I am sometimes very self-conscious in the bedroom and would die if someone ever mentioned that I fanny fart or something like that. He would so never be getting any for a long long time.
7. Another general rule: If your mate says something derogatory and you don’t defend us, even if it’s true, we will hold it against you. Forever x infinity
Fact
8. Real boobs are fun to play with but look like flappy spaniels ears. Fake boobs look nice but feel like shit.
I’m biased here. I have fake boobs. They look and feel REAL and I love them and have never had any complaints. Mine feel perfectly normal and I dare any man to tell me otherwise. I have however also seen some really bad looking fake boobs (and real boobs).
9. ‘Jack Rabbit’ sex is never good (aka pow-pow-pow-poke-poke-poke-the-quicker-I-ram-the-faster-she’ll-orgasm). This method, reminiscent of teenage fumbles when he had no idea what he was doing and you were too embarrassed to tell him, will hurt and annoy us. Slow and steady wins the race.
Haha – I had a few of these way back when. Hated these and never went back for more. Only one thing I can say here – Slow the fuck down!
10.If a girl is dry, it’s not her problem, it’s yours. Spit. Lube. Slow and steady caresses. If she’s Saharan it’s time to add a new ingredient to the recipe.
Too true! Make the effort to spend more time on foreplay! It will be worth it.
11.Don’t complain endlessly if we want to use a condom despite being on the pill. Sometimes we don’t want to ruin yet another pair of knickers from your semen seeping from our lady-garden for the next 12 hours.
No comment here – personal choice. I hate condoms but they are a must have in many circumstances.
12.Drunk sex is better than no sex. But do try to limit your intake of WKD. Intoxicated banging will climax with nothing but sore genitals and possibly an incurable STD.
I haven’t had much drunk sex so not really able to comment here.
13.If you call me ‘bitch’ in the street I will punch you in the neck. If you growl it in my ear whilst flipping me over in bed, I’ll get highly aroused. Same goes for slapping, biting, and using the word ‘pussy’. None of these things are appropriate in everyday situations but can be highly effective in the bedroom. Though I may want you want to fuck me like a whore, I still want you to treat me like a lady.
Amen!
14.What you think of as ‘no make-up’ is actually a carefully devised cosmetic procedure including cheek stain, translucent mascara, combed eyebrows, sparing concealer and subtly glossed lips. Don’t be surprised that when we wake up we actually look like Tim Minchin.
I actually look better when I wake up than I do after sex!
15.Finger banging is not the one.
I like to be played with with your finger and your tongue, but I really like you inside of me more.
16.We don’t want to hear about your ex-girlfriend, ever, even if you’re bitching about her.
Or your ex-wife – it’s just creepy. Even though we are curious as hell.
17.Eye contact is the best way to say “I want to fuck you.”
Oh yes – and seeing your eyes roaming all over me just drives me wild. Says so much more than words.
18.It is highly unlikely that any of the places are where your soul mate is hiding on a social networking site. But if you do happen to ‘stumbleupon’ a potential lover, don’t kill the romance by obsessively refreshing their facebook wall. There’s a fine line between following and stalking and chances are, every single one of us has pissed all over it at some point. It’s tempting to over-analyse every detail so don’t take the internet too seriously.
I would go nuts if I took everything on the internet seriously. We have all had those moments on Facebook where we analyze who said what and who liked whose comment or status. So just take a deep breath and ignore it all.
19.Not letting a woman kiss you after she gives you head is a surefire sign that you’re a selfish, sucky lover. Ditto cuming in a girl’s mouth without giving her the option.
Agree fully. So don’t be selfish! And please ask before cuming in our mouth – not all women like it.
20.The media is forever telling us to be light-hearted about sex, to play, to giggle. But here’s the thing: sex isn’t funny. My breasts don’t ‘honk’ when you squeeze them. Pulling your penis out of your zipper and turning your pockets inside-out is not a hilarious impression of an elephant. When my vagina makes that noise like a vacuum cleaner back-firing it’s because I’m super turned-on and wet. It’s highly common and indeed fairly hilarious (in the pub, not in the bedroom). Ultimately, it’s not embarrassing it simply shows enthusiasm (and, possibly, a wide-set cervix). The most important thing on a date is a good sense of humour, the most important thing in bed, is that you’re good in bed.
A good sense of humor is a must in any relationship. And quite correct in saying that sex isn’t funny. And yeah, that noise my vagina makes should never be mentioned in the pub either! Possibly a quick giggle about it after sex is appropriate but should possibly never be mentioned again.
Come on over to the dark side occasionally and read my blog at http://www.lifecherries.com
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