Cherries and Bananas - Dating Advice for Everyone

Enrique and I came up with this list.  We wrote it as part of our "Free Advice Fridays" series.  Lanthie, Care to chime in here on your dating experiences.  Maybe we can help some of these poor souls out there on their journey toward Relationship Bliss!!!


Lanthie - Relationships are very complicated and I am no expert.  Finding a suitable partner has to be one of the most difficult things in the world.  Some people are just lucky to have found the one. (As always, my comments in red)


1. 95% of the time, the guy or girl you are pining for didn’t lose their phone. They didn’t drop in the toilet or the bathtub. It wasn’t shut off. It’s plain and simple - they just didn’t want to text you. If not, why aren’t they messaging your on facebook or sending you a tweet this very minute? 
Get over your selves.  If we don’t want to text you we won’t.  But then I have yet to meet a man who pines for a girl to text him.  It is usually the other way around.


2. If you’re looking at someone’s online dating profile and there are several people in their photo and you say, “Who is that girl? She’s hot!”, the hot girl will never be that girl of the profile. She will always be the “Ok” looking girl standing next to the Hot Girl.  
Don’t ever refer to another girl or woman we know as Hot (or attractive or has nice boobs or legs or whatever).  “I am the hottest thing on earth”.  At least this is what all women want to believe and should be told by the love of their lives.


3. No one’s ever “too busy” to hang out with you. Lots of busy people still date. If they say they are “too busy” that means bug off!
My significant other is always too busy!  So should I take that as a sign…..  Hmmmm  Will have to give it some thought.


4. If they’re talking about their ex all the time, then they are not over their ex. Get out while you can!  Everything you do and say will be compared to their ex.  They are probably not ready to date, even if they claim that they are and it is time to move on.  Don’t believe them!
I totally agree.  You should never talk about your ex.  Yes we are curious about her and do want you to mention her in passing but we want to hear how bad she was in bed or how bad her cooking was.  But please don’t harp on about her.  Be honest with yourself – if you are still in to her then say so and give us the opportunity to move on.


5. Don’t rush into anything. If he/she doesn’t call you girlfriend/boyfriend after a couple of dates, it’s ok.  Take it slow and steady.  
Take it slow and steady.  But don’t play dead.  If you’ve been going out for awhile and he still doesn’t refer to you as his girlfriend, then move on.  


6. How quickly they text you back says nothing about how they feel about you, unless it’s something like several days or weeks – then you have a problem.  Many times, I am driving, working or out jogging when I receive a text.  I don’t stop what I am doing to text back.  I will text back when I am done.  It might be 20 minutes, it might be an hour or two. 
I hate it when I don’t get a text back immediately.  But common sense does prevail and I do realize you may be busy.  So we acknowledge that you may be busy, but do make us feel that you have prioritized replying.  My worst is when someone stops texting in the middle of the conversation.  Have the decency to say you have to go do something or you’ll be back in a bit or something.  Don’t just keep us hanging.


7.  Every girl or guy isn’t going to be “the one” — and maybe nobody ever will. Here is a little hint – Look for “the one who is good right now?” You will find a lot more people filling that description and then you can see if it leads to him or her being “The one.”
The one who is good right now is always a good choice.   We all have different needs at different times of our lives so someone may be good for your current situation.  Get to know them better.  They may actually be “the one”.


8. Sex with another person always means something — whether you are dating casually, non-exclusively or are married. I hate to be blunt (OK, I Love to be blunt) but you are inside someone!  That means something, no matter how you look at it! Sex is an inherently meaningful act. You might say it doesn’t mean anything, but I guarantee you that it means something to at least one of the two involved (and probably both, you are just in denial!)
So agree here.  I cannot have meaningless sex.  If I have sex with you, I care for you and probably very deeply.  So take it as a sign.  And if you don’t care for me deeply, then please don’t screw with me  (excuse the pun) and have the decency to tell me and move on if necessary.


9. Looks don’t mean anything. Hot guys can be jerks, Beautiful women can be bitches, both living in a world where they are obsessed with their looks and feel that everyone else should be into them like they are into themselves.  Likewise, some of the nicest, most genuine and caring people I have ever met had average or below average looks.  “Don’t Judge a book by its cover!”  
You don’t fall in love with looks – you fall in love with the full package.  Take the time to get to know someone before deciding.


10. When someone says they are breaking up with you because they “don’t want to date” that just means that they don’t want to date you.
Very true.  It’s like someone offering you cake.  Why would you say you don’t want cake.  You just don’t want that piece of cake.  So be honest.  If you don’t want to date someone then say so.  We can put on our big girl panties and accept that you don’t like us.  I can’t imagine anyone not wanting a meaningful relationship.


11. Do all of your friends hate your significant other? Does your mom hate them? Do people who don’t even know you hate them? I would say that is a HUGE RED FLAG!  Listen to your friends and family. 
If all your friends and family hate your significant other, then that is a huge red flag.  Must admit I would probably never tell someone that I don’t like their significant other as it is not my place to have an opinion here.  


12. If they don’t show interest in you within a few weeks, let it go.  You’re not going to wear them down or trick them into liking you or waiting around for months for a girl or guy to come around just doesn’t happen.  And if you are officially in the “Friend Zone” even worse.  It isn’t gonna happen.  Sure, there are a few exceptions, but few and far between.  It really isn’t worth wasting months or even years waiting for someone to come around. 
Relationships are a two way street.  You cannot ever expect anyone to come around or ever change.  If the attraction isn’t there within a reasonable amount of time, it is never going to happen.


13. The other sex isn’t as complicated as you think. It usually is a lack of communication that causes all these problems and complications.  Be honest and talk! 
Not much more to be said here.  Communication is the most important thing in a relationship.


14. Don’t flash the bling!  Most potential girlfriends and boyfriends don’t care if you have a fat wallet, a new sports car, or wear $1000 suits.  If they do care, then they are superficial and not worth your time. If you are looking for that, then go ahead and flaunt it, but it is gonna be a lonely (and expensive) romance!
I would live in a shack if it meant I could be with the man I love.  Money and material things mean nothing in a relationship and the good old saying “for better or worse” is very applicable here.  And bad times fall on the best of us at the worst of times.  So just because he drives a nice flashy car now, doesn’t mean he will still be driving it in 5 years time.




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Cherries and Bananas - Dumping A Guy Because of a Small Penis...

This one is more for Lanthie than myself, but I am going to chime in anyway.  I know we talked about Penis Size once in our Cherries and Bananas series, but this is looking at it from another angle.  Here is how this post developed:


I was with a couple of my dude friends the other night and one of them told me that his sister was breaking up with her boyfriend because his Penis was just way too small. (He wouldn’t say how his sister told him this, which is kind of weird.  I mean how many sisters go around talking about their sex life to their brothers?)  They had been dating about 5 months and she really likes him.  He has a good job, he’s good looking, nice personality, etc.  The one problem is that his dick is about 2 inches long when aroused (I swear, his sister told him this!)  She finally slept with him and it was horrible. 


My buddy thought it was wrong of her to dump him just because he has a small weiner (Insert Anthony Weiner Jokes Here).  She wasn’t having none of it.  She even told him that “I Love Sex and it is just too important for me.”  WOW!  I think he found out a lot more about his sister than he wanted to know! 


He asked us what I thought.  First off, if I were a guy with a small Penis (I am pretty normal sized, not too big and definitely not “Tiny”) I would spend endless hours honing my cunnilingus skills so that I might be able to dazzle women with my tongue to the point that they almost forget that we were supposed to start having normal sex.   So I question why this guy hasn’t done that. 


As for breaking up with him because the sex is bad, all I could say was that his sister should give it a few more tries.  One time isn’t enough to judge how good the sex is.  Maybe he had performance anxiety and couldn’t get fully hard, or they had been drinking, or she is the one who is a little too loose and now a normal sized penis disappears inside of her (Remember, she told her brother she LOVES sex, so this could be a possibility.) 


After a few more tries, if the sex is still bad, then I guess she should move on.  If she is going to base her relationships on sex, then she is going to end up with a pretty shallow and meaningless relationship.  I strongly urge her not to tell the guy why she is breaking up with him.  That is the last thing any guy wants to hear.  That could do some irreversible psychological damage to him.  He might end up in a monastery.


I hope to God that there are not a lot of women out there that put sex as the most important thing in a relationship.  This guy had it all, money, looks, a good career and she is throwing it away because the sex isn’t that good?  Lanthie, please tell me that this woman is an exception to the rule, some kind of lady nympho who has some weird and twisted views on relationships!


Hi Matt – yes this one is indeed something for me to reply to.


I had to laugh about your comment about how many sisters talk about their sex life to their brothers – yeah it does sound a little creepy but I have to admit that my brother and I are very close and we often have conversations about our sex lives. He is the one person I can truly open up to without feeling judged, so when I need to have a heart to heart – he is it!


I know on the surface it does sound a bit shallow – after all relationships should go far deeper than penis size or even sex.  But the reality is that sex forms a very important part of a relationship.  And if you can’t satisfy each other in the bedroom department, well then you had best stick to a platonic relationship.  I have seen lack of sex and libido break many marriages (and relationships) so it is a major part of a relationship.


I cringe every time I hear of a virgin getting married.  Just imagine having to spend the rest of your life with each other and not ever being satisfied in bed.  And I’m not just talking about a small penis – some men just generally suck in bed.  And some women just really suck in bed.  I read an article once about women who are referred to as Starfish – a term used to refer to women who are completely unenthusiastic during sex while passively allowing their partner to finish.  You could also refer to it as pity sex.  I just can’t see the point of this type of sex.


I have slept with guys who are just AMAZING in bed, but would make lousy life partners and I have slept with guys who are LOUSY in bed – and well, they didn’t get a second chance so would not be able to tell if they would have made great life partners.  Sex is very important to me too.  There is just something very off-putting about a guy who is lousy in bed.  I have also slept with guys who are GREAT in bed and would make GREAT life partners – this is when you take your relationship to the next level in my book.


I would hate to condemn a man with a small penis to a life of lousy sex or even no sex at all, so yes – he should hone up on his cunnilingus skills.  There are so many other ways to pleasure a woman in this day and age – you just have to look at what toys are out there.  In fact I would encourage ALL men to skill up in this department – regardless of penis size or skills.  You can have so much fun just playing.  The orgasm is just the “cream on top” (excuse the pun), so to speak.


I have read articles and listened to various talk show hosts where they insist that size doesn’t matter – well I think it does to a certain extent.  Generally most men are more than adequate and what they lack in size, they make up for in skill anyway.


Let’s just say, for argument sake, that this guy was having certain performance issues – he should have been able to identify this and should have been able to step in with his other skills.  The fact that he didn’t call upon his box of tricks, probably means he doesn’t have any or he is not very sure of himself. 


I am not sure what took them 5 months to actually sleep together either – perhaps he just did not have the courage in the first place.  If sex is really important to her, I guess after 5 months she was really frustrated in the first place and there was a certain expectation that was building and unfortunately he didn’t deliver.


Perhaps you are right in saying they should give it at least one more go, but I think she would go into it with a negative experience and it would be very tough for him to recover from it all.


I’m afraid she would be considered shallow in my book if she went out with him because he had it all – money, looks, good career etc. These things change over the years and you cannot base a relationship on then.


So I don’t think she is the exception to the rule or that she is a nympho.  She is just a woman who knows what she wants and I admire her for it.




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Cherries and Bananas - Exes on Facebook

My female friend’s boyfriend of 4 years recently received a friend request from an ex on Facebook.  He accepted, saying they were high school friends before they dated, and now he seems to be spending a lot of time talking with her.  He has been honest with his girlfriend and has not been trying to hide the fact that they are chatting.  He told her the other day that she wants to meet up with him to talk about some things that were left “unfinished.”  According to him, the breakup was kind of bad and he feels they both need “closure.”  He told my friend that she has nothing to worry about and they are going to meet up in a week or two (They now live about 2 hours apart.)  My friend is not the jealous type, but she is extremely bothered by all of this.  She asked me if I thought she would be out of line if she told forbid him to see her.  I think this is perfect for our Cherries and Banana’s series


Matt: Kiersten (My friend that is the subject of this post), you should win an award for the “Most Tolerant Girlfriend in the World!”  I don’t know of many women who would let their longtime boyfriend chat away for hours with an Ex – I know I wouldn’t want my GF to be talking to an ex-boyfriend for hours at a time.  Hell, most of my Girlfriends have gotten pissed off if I unconsciously whisper my exes name in my sleep, but that has only happened once or twice.  


Personally, I have never been in your boyfriend’s shoes.  I haven’t really had a lot of online connections with my exes.  Not sure if it is me or them, but I think I only have two as friends on Facebook and we really never talk. And both of them were my facebook friends before my currenty honey, so it wasn’t like I added them after we were dating.  Now, I have had some of my girlfriends add their exes and I have to admit, I didn’t like it. I don’t think they talked to the exes that often.  As a matter of fact, most of my exes were not super engrossed by Facebook, Twitter or any other Social Networking sites so I wasn’t that worried. 
So I can kind of relate and I understand what you are feeling.  Your boyfriend and this chick used to have a thing.  They have spent a lot of time together, know each other well and probably saw each other naked numerous times.  That is kind of where I draw the line…If you see each other naked then you have progressed past the “friends” stage.  So you have the right to be concerned. 
My advice to you Kiersten is that you should go to him and tell him you have a problem with this.  You have been together a long, long time and I know you both have talked about marriage, so you are well within your rights to tell him that you do not want them to meet.  Tell him everything and then see what happens.  If he ends up not meeting her, then that is a good sign that things are back to normal.  If he defriends her on facebook, even better.  Start planning the wedding.  But if he keeps chatting away with her and goes to meet her, then I would say it is pretty much over.  You poured your heart out and told him how you felt and he basically said “So What!  I am my Own Man and I am Gonna Do What I Want!”  If he does that, he is not marrying material.  I would end it and cut your losses.


There is one other option that could satisfy both of you…Ask if you can tag along with him to the meeting.  Supposedly, they are just going to have dinner or something, right?  You invite him out with your friends, tell him if they are just friends, then it should be no problem if you go with him.  If he lets you go along, then all should be well.  Hopefully that would put your mind at ease. 
Lanthie, I think she could probably use a woman’s point of view on this…
Lanthie: In case you guys hadn’t noticed, we are very complicated.  The short answer here is that Kiersten will be jealous – even though she is not the jealous type.
I have a good friend on Facebook and we share many secrets with each other.  She has been seeing (and sleeping with) a guy for quite a few months now and they have recently friended each other on FB.  He has loads of female friends on FB and it pains her whenever she sees one of these women comment or likes his status.   And she quietly dies inside when he responds.  She has no idea who any of them are – they may be colleagues from work or family or past acquaintances.  She often finds herself stalking some of these women to see if any of them have a history with her guy.   She has also been tempted to ask him who all these women are – it is not that he has given her any reason to mistrust him or anything, it is just that we are naturally curious and it gets the better of us.
I just love your analogy about seeing each other naked being the line in the sand.  (Lol – makes Cybesex good to go – unless you see naked pics of each other of course!)
I am not the jealous type either and if I were in her shoes, I would be just as curious / jealous.  If he feels they need some closure on their breakup, I’m sure he would be reluctant to agree to Kiersten tagging along to the meet.  It would be a little more than awkward talking about what once was in front of her.
I’m not quite sure I agree with her forbidding him to see her either.  I don’t believe that we should ever be forbidding our partners to do anything.  If they are truly in love with each other, she should be able to trust him.  Men think a little differently to women so I would love to say that he should be able to sense that she is not happy with the meet and possibly decline the meeting, but men don’t pick up on these sort of things.  It needs to be spelt out to them.  So she should definitely tell him how she feels about it all.  There is no substitute for communication. 
As far as him chatting to this chick over FB – well this is difficult to police in today’s world.  If they don’t chat over FB, there are 100’s of other ways for them to chat.  At least this way your friend is aware of the friendship and it is not being hidden.  Personally, I would be worried if he were hiding it from her.
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