Remembering High School

Reminiscing today about the Good 'ol Days.  Back in my teen years when I didn't have a care in the world.

Since I only have about 5 minutes, let me post the first few things I thought of.  Warning, I am in a "Funny" mood today, so my memories were funny ones.

1. In one of my Earth Science classes, we were handed out a worksheet with the title of, "The Big Bang and the Day After." A Classmate sitting next to me whispered, "Hey,. The big bang and the morning after.  Sounds like my girl and I last Saturday" The teacher heard him and threw him out of the room.  

2. A couple of my friends and I used to drive around together in my giant Ford LTD listening to gangster rap, throwing McDonalds Happy Meal toys at other moving cars, and tipping over portable toilets (sometimes with friends in them.)  I know, I know - Juvenile, but I was about 17 and I was living in a small town.  There wasn't a whole lot to do.

3. There was this guy in school whose nickname given to him by his work buddies is Big Business because he handles his damn business. When he hooked up with women of a heavy variety, he said they were "Business Class."

4. We had a teacher who Big Business used to drive nuts with his class clown antics, and one day when she asked where my book was, Business said, "He burned it." Without asking me if it was true, she called my dad to inform him that I had burned my Reading book. I get home, and my dad says, "So, you're burning books, huh?!"  Big Business had that kind of power.  He would say something and people would just believe it to be true.

5. During a basketball bus roadtrip for a Friday night game, a buddy pulled his pants down and pressed his butt cheeks up against the glass for a girl to see waiting to cross the street at a corner. The girl caught a glance and then looked away in horror.  We were watching her reaction and then turned back to the guy on the bus (I think his name was Travis).  While we were watching her, he had turned around in the seat and was giving her a full frontal nude show.  Travis? was a ninth-grader and I was surprised the lady could see his junk!!!  

I Guess I Am an Asshole!

That's right. I know. I can't believe it either. I am as shocked as you are. But this is what a good female friend of mine told me this week. Her exact words were (I will never forget them): "You know, you're a real asshole, and I'm not the only one who thinks so." So what could I possibly have done to cause such hatred from a good (and hot) friend of mine? After re-examining my words and actions, I admit it was kind of bad, but not bad enough to achieve “Asshole” status.  Stupid, idiotic, thoughtless and insensitive – Yes, Asshole – NO.  


I am going to give you the short and sweet version cuz I know most of you probably could care less about my personal problems and many of you have already come to the conclusion that I am an asshole based on this blog.  No use trying to persuade people otherwise…but for those of you who still have faith in me, let me explain.


Last Friday night I had a rockin’ party at my house. Lots of people, booze, music – It was great.  I felt like I was in College again!  (By the way - at what age do you stop having regular wild parties where everyone comes over to get drunk and you start having dinner parties, or those kind of house parties where there is a bartender and caterers…you know, “Adult parties” in the sense that they aren’t swinger parties and orgies.  Real grown-up parties?)   


My parties have become legendary and all follow the same format.  It goes like this: 30 or so friends come over, drink tons and tons of alcohol and those who smoke go out to the back patio and smoke away.  Then, inevitably, someone will suggest that we start playing a drinking game.  Maybe Quarters, Three-Man or Up and Down the River, to name a few.  So 10-15 of us start playing games on the table while the others keep chugging the alcohol, cranking up the music and watch ESPN with captions on in the background.  At least two people, and sometimes more, usually end up having sex in the basement, spare bedroom or out in the back yard (It’s dark and there is a fence). Throughout the evening, the numbers of party-goers fluctuate, but always hover around the 30 mark. 


The party Friday night was pretty much going the same way all the other parties go.  Drinking, games, music…I don’t think anyone had had sex yet…  The only difference was that just about everyone was drunk as hell.  Usually I have 5 or 6 partiers who don’t drink or maybe just have a beer or two – the designated drivers (This is why I have a lot of parties in my house, I don’t have to worry about being the designated driver!) 


Finally, around 3 AM, just about everyone had left, save for 4 of my very best friends.  This girl (we will call her Denise – which may or may not be her real name) notices a phone on the couch and yells, to no one in particular, “OH, OH - someone left a cell phone."


It’s my house so I get to check it out first.  I find out that the phone belonged to my friend Maddie.  So what do I do?  I do what most drunk people would do – I start planning on how I can inappropriately use her cell phone.  I had to play a joke on her for leaving the phone at my house! The problem is that Denise, even when she is drunk, is a very practical and honest person.  I immediately wanted to take pics of my “Johnson” or call some phone sex# that will show up on her phone bill, etc.  Everyone was throwing in their two cents worth so we put it up for a vote and we decided that we would send random text messages to mutual friends who weren’t at the party (using her phone of course.)


These were some of the Text Messages:   


To her weird roommate (who was out of town for a wedding): I cannot wait for you to get back from the wedding.  I have been thinking about you a lot…thinking about “us”.  We need to talk about doing some experimenting.  There are so many lesbians out there, it can’t be all that bad???


To Jenny (another single girl who had been at the party earlier): I had a great time tonight! You looked so hot with your new hair and that little skirt.  I have been having some strange feelings lately that I think I need to act out on. Maybe just the two of us could go out some time and get to know each other better. I hope you know what I mean by that.


To Reggie (a married friend of ours who was not at the party): Reg- You missed a great party tonight. Too bad you and Shelly couldn't make it because I can't stop thinking about that sexy dress she wore out to the bars last week.  Any chance you two would consider a threesome? 


To Dana (her best friend): We have to talk!  I have a problem and you probably won’t like it.  I think I have feelings for Chuck (Dana’s boyfriend).  We are such good friends, I want to let you know and discuss this.  I can’t stop thinking about him.  I am so wet and excited.  Would you consider letting me share your bed with him some night?


To Chuck (Dana’s Boyfriend):  Chuck, I know I am Dana’s best friend, but I want you!  BAD!  I Need you Now!  If Dana is with you, that is ok.  We can all get wild together!


To Brandon (Her Ex-Boyfriend, they broke up a month ago):  Brandon, we need to talk.  I still hate you, but I am pregnant and it is yours.  We have a problem! 


To Kelly (her sister):  Sorry Kelly.  I slept with your ex-boyfriend tonight!  You were right, he really is hung like a horse but sucks in bed!  Probably won’t be doing that again. 


Then, we might have accidentally gone overboard.  Somebody, I don’t remember who but I am pretty sure it wasn’t me, sent a message to everyone in her contact list.  EVERYONE!  Probably included parents, grandparents, little nephews and nieces…EVERYONE!!!


This is what that fateful message read: "To Everyone: I love you all!  I'm soooo drunk and looking to hook up! IM HORNY!  Call me!!!!" The phone was handed over to me and I turned it off while laughing


We all end up sleeping, with Denise and a couple of others crashing at my place. 


Then, I get a phone call at about 9 AM (She had been calling earlier but I was passed out.)  Maddie was calm at first, telling me that her roommate called her at about 6:30 in the morning and let her know about the text message.  Maddie actually thought that one was pretty funny.  She thought the set-up for Dana and Chuck was hilarious too and she even chuckled at the message I sent to Jenny.  In fact, she was pretty cool with all the messages I had sent.  She thought they were pretty funny and creative. 


Then a pause…and she unleashed HELL!!!  She was not happy with the message that was sent to her contact list.  She had talked to Denise and another guy at the party and they both told her it was me that sent the message (maybe it was…I was pretty drunk!)  She went off on me!  Her mother, grandma, boss, co-workers, dad, brothers and sisters, church group friends, etc. all received the message.  She told me that she had about 15 voice mails and another 10 missed calls on her home phone. People were calling her concerned about her, wanting to know what was going on, etc. and she also received a few “booty calls” from guys who were still up at that hour.   She asked me to turn on her phone and I did.  She had 63 text messages and 25 missed calls.  OOOPS!!! 


Denise, who had spent the night, immediately jumped in and laid into me, calling me an asshole.  Maddie seconded that statement and echoed the Asshole phrase a few times. 


So here I am, admitting that I screwed up.  IT was pretty bad.  I went over the line.  I shouldn’t have sent that mass text (although I am not 100% sure I did, just 90% sure).  IT was my bad and I truly apologize.  Maybe I am an asshole, but I was just trying to have fun.  I know that is no excuse… 


H I didn't do it to be an asshole. I just didn't think. It was a thoughtless act.  Yes, I can, and do, put some of the blame on the alcohol, but in the end, it was all me!  I am pretty sure that Maddie will forgive me.  We have been friends for a long, long time.  I apologized and offered to give her her phone back.  She told me she will have to get a new number cuz she told everyone her phone was stolen.  Denise is a different story.  She is all about doing what is right and prides herself on not doing stupid stuff, even when she is drunk.  She told me that I am a bad influence on her and she thinks she has been drinking more since she joined my inner group of friends. She said she needs “A break from all this craziness.” 


P.S. – Now that everyone thinks her phone was stolen, is it bad that I want it so I can use it to prank call people?  NOOOOO, I Better Not!!!!!

There Are So Many Rude People Out There!

I ride the CTA (Chicago Transit Authority) trains to and from work almost everyday.  Lately, I have been noticing an increase in the number of rude people on the train.  Maybe they have been there all along and I am just noticing it now or maybe their rudeness is reaching new levels.  It pisses me off and at the same time, makes me sad.

Now not everyone on the trains are rude, but it seems like there are more and more each time I ride.  Some of them almost seem like they enjoy being rude. They do something and then I see a stupid smirk on their faces.

For example, there are always one or two idiots that are the first ones to get on but stop right in front of the door when there is a huge line behind them and plenty of room on the rest of the car, but they want to get the best place for their stop.  STUPID!!! It just makes a traffic jam and then people start throwing elbows, etc.  I actually saw a shoving match turn into a fight the other day.  Officers came and broke it up.  The train took off with officers talking to both of them on the platform.  Hope they got arrested! 

There are also the people that carry on obnoxiously loud conversations on the train, either on the phone or with someone next to them.  Seriously people, you don't need to be screaming into a phone or to the person sitting right next to you.  You may think you are important, but not everyone wants to hear your conversation.

And perhaps the most annoying of all are the people that are sitting downwhen an elderly person or a pregnant woman is standing next to them and they don't give their seat up.  I make it a point to give my seat up to anyone who looks like they need it more than I do. I hope that there is a special place in hell for those of you that make an elderly person or pregnant woman stand on a crowded train while you are sitting.

Thanks for letting me Rant!!!

My Redbox Rant!!!

So yesterday I go back to return a movie that I had rented from the redbox which is on the way home from work. I go back to the same one, stopping by on my way home from work. The machine is not working. This being Chicago, there are a ton of Redboxes around so I drive to another one that is about a mile away and that one is down too. I decide to drive to a third and that one is down. I know of one more that is only another mile or so away so I go by that one. It is gone! I guess they removed it. Now, I am faced with a dilemma. I can either drive another 5 miles away and hope that that one is working or just go home and keep the DVD an extra day and pay for an extra day of rental. I decided to go home since I probably would waste more money on gas driving around than I would on the extra day of rental. I will get someone at work who has an operating redbox near them to drop it off tomorrow. It is so frustrating though!!! UGH!!!!
I am going to get a beer.  Thanks for letting me Rant!!! 

My Next Project

I used to have a Moustache back in the day.  Now, I have the moustache/goatee thing going on and I keep it nice, neat and trimmed.  A friend sent me this GIF and I have decided to let my 'stache grow out and try to get it to do what this guy does with it.  I will be the hit at bars and parties!  Matt and his mischievous moustache!  This might take months of intense training and lots of beer consumption.  I will get on it right away and keep you posted.

Note to Strippers - Don't Wear Glitter

Went out with a couple of buddies last night.  We got to drinking and then decided to hit a strip club on the way home.  3 out of the 4 of us were not married, but my friend Gene has been married for 5 months.  This was his first time at a strip club since getting married and he was not having fun.  He didn't want to go in the first place but he wasn't driving.  When Johnny, the guy who was driving us around that night, wants to hit up a strip club, we all go. 

We saw that Gene was a little stressed out so we all chipped in and bought him a lap dance.  He had one lap dance, two beers and that was it.  On the way home, he was freaking out.  We told him to not say anything.  Don't lie but just tell the Mrs. that we were at a bar drinking (Which was kind of the truth.  We started at a bar and we sat at the bar in the strip club.) 



Went over to Gene's today and it was COLD as Antarctica in there.  She didn't say a word to him or me while I was there (about 20 minutes in total.)  She ended up getting up and going down to the laundry room to get the clothes and I asked Gene what was up.  He told me all was good last night.  He told her that he and the boys were just drinking at a couple of bars and she was good with it.  Then this morning, she gathered up the clothes for laundry and found a bunch of silver glitter on his shirt and pants.  She demanded to know what was up.  Gene had no choice but to tell her that one of the bars was also a strip club.  She was pissed!!!  Hopefully she forgives him soon.  And that explained her death look she gave me when I showed up at their apartment. 

Moral of the Story:  Strippers, please do not use any hair or body glitter.  You might end a marriage!!! 

Of course, many of you will probably be saying that the moral of the story is:  IF you are married, stay away from Strip Clubs.  Duly Noted, but being single, I can't relate to that one so my Moral of the Story Stands  :)