Wednesday, August 21, 2013

My Terrible Luck When Flying

    If you’ve ever traveled by airplane by yourself, this will probably be familiar to you. You sit at the gate, patiently waiting for the flight and reading a magazine, paper or your kindle.  From time to time, you scan the crowd, first looking for potential psychos and terrorists who could cut your flight short, and then looking for people that you hope you will be lucky enough to sit next to on the flight.  It could be that hot coed in the short shorts and tank top, or the Hardbody MILF with glasses on.  Maybe it is a guy wearing a t-shirt from your alma mater. 

    This is always my pre-flight routine and I know that it is the same routine shared by hundreds of other flyers.  I do a lot of business flights every year.  This year alone, I have been on a total of 42 flights, so I kind of consider myself an expert.

    My problem is that the Airplane Passenger Gods Hate Me!!   Seriously, they do.  I never get to sit next to the hottie or the wild looking MILF.  It just isn’t in my cards. 

    I can’t tell you how many times I have sat in the terminal, with glassy eyes, shaking from too much caffeine, reading a magazine, listening to my iPod and praying to God that the beautiful 20 year old Tri-Delt Sorority girl with the faded tight jeans and wearing a tankt top with no bra on ends up in the seat next to me.  I start thinking of what I am going to say to make small talk, what her hair smells like, is she the type that will want to do a quickie in the airplane bathroom… 

    But it never happens. Instead, I usually get to sit next to some weird dude who is wearing a Christian Right-Wing fanatical T-Shirt and wants to lecture me about Jesus.  Or I get to sit next to the guy who hasn’t showered for a week cuz he is coming back from the Amazon Jungle and hasn’t been around running water.  Maybe it will be the crazy foreigner who wants to practice his English with me, but I cannot understand a word he is saying so I just smile and nod a lot.  If it is a hot girl that sits next to me, it usually is a mother who has her super loud, rambunctious kids in tow. She ends up asking me if I can watch her kids while she goes to the bathroom and then disappears for 30 minutes (This actually happened to me not once, but twice!) 
    Maybe it will be an annoying drunk guy heading back home from his trade show convention, wanting to talk about life insurance or something mundane like that.  Or it might be a woman who looks and acts like she is the twin of Honey Boo-Boo’s mom.  These are the type of people that always end up sitting next to me.  I have to put up with them for 2, 3, 4 maybe even 5 hours!!! 

    Seriously, I don’t think there is a worst kind of teasing out there.  My last flight from Philadelphia back home had promise.  College students were flying back to college and there were at least 7 or 8 beautiful college girls waiting for the plane.  There were also another 3 or 4 MILFS and probably another 10 or so ladies that fell somewhere between College coed and MILF.  Of about 22 potential passenger on a plane that had a little less than 100 total passengers, I thought I had a good shot at getting a hottie to sit next to me.  HELL NO!!!  I was one of the first ones on the plane and I kept watching the beautiful women file in, one after another, and place their tight bodies and beautiful asses in seats that weren’t next to mine. Who did I end up with next to me?  A guy who informed me that he has been sick and throwing up for the past two days.  He asked if he could sit on the aisle “just in case.”  He then proceeded to fall asleep and snore so loud, I wasn’t sure the plane was shaking from turbulence or from his snoring.  I have the Worst Luck!!!  
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